In the meantime

I have found myself thinking a lot the last few days. About how to be a better wife, how to be happier, how to be myself again, how to deal with the sadness I still feel on occasion, how to realize my infinite worth, although I'm not a mother yet, what to do in the meantime.. I have really needed some answers and guidance.

I was feeling pretty down, and spent much of Thursday night thinking about all of these things. Zach was doing homework, so I took the time alone to reflect. A few things happened that night, and the following days, that helped me realize that Heavenly Father is aware of me, how I feel, and what I am going through. I was reminded of how much He loves me, and given some comfort and guidance. I started to clean, and put on some church music while doing so. How Great Thou Art came on. I love this song, and I knew that right then that was what I needed to hear. Earlier that day I had talked with a friend, and she mentioned a talk that had helped her recently called "Like a Broken Vessel," given by Elder Holland at the October General Conference. He poses a question in the talk, "How do you best respond when mental or emotional challenges confront you?" This was exactly my question, and what I needed. He provides some answers, that really helped me. We knew before coming to this earth that we would face challenges, trials, heartaches, and illness- and we still came! I love that thought- we obviously knew it would be worth it somehow. Elder Holland reminds us to never lose faith in our Father in Heaven, who loves us more that we can comprehend. Additionally, he suggests to "pursue the time-tested devotional practices that bring the spirit of the Lord into your life, ask for and cherish Priesthood blessings, and hold fast to the perfecting promises of the Atonement of Jesus Christ." His words brought me answers, comfort, and guidance. This talk is incredible!
(Link to the full talk: https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2013/10/like-a-broken-vessel?lang=eng)

Friday morning on my way to work, I decided to listen to some uplifting music, rather than my normal morning show and music. A song came on by Jenny Jordan Frogley, called "In the Meantime." I wasn't really listening to the words at first, but I caught one line that caught my attention. It was perfect, and again, exactly what I needed to hear. Here are the words to the song:

In her heart she holds the dreams,
that she's carried since the day she turned thirteen.
of all that she would be when was grown,
of all that she would do when she was finally on her own.
She dreams she flies,
She's still waiting for the chance to try..

But in the meantime she's a mother and a daughter and a wife
doing all she can to stay above the daily grind
And she wonders when she'll ever have more meaning in her life,
she doesn't know she's being molded and refined,
In the meantime.

Someday she'll go back to school
When the car pools and the soccer games are through
Cause deep inside she's still the girl
Who's always felt the fight to make a difference in the world
She dreams she'll soar,
When she finally has the time to do more...

But in the meantime she's a sister and a teacher and a friend
Hours turn into days, that turn to years that never end
And she wonders when she'll ever really find herself again
She's becoming one on whom God can depend,
In the meantime.

Heaven feels the joy of every victory in her life,
And heaven hears her heart before she cries.
Somewhere in the middle of the triumphs and the trials,
She's becoming sanctified.

In the meantime she's an answer, and a blessing and a gift
to every empty, aching heart that only she can lift
Still she wonders if she'll ever get to see where Heaven is,
If she could only see the mansion waiting there.
If she could only feel how much her Father cares.
She would know she's being perfectly prepared,
In the meantime.

The actual words don't apply to me at this point in my life, but I was touched and knew exactly what it meant for me. I may not understand why, but as much as I want to be a mother right now, it is not the time yet. In the meantime, there are other things I need to do, and become. I know that the ultimate calling for a woman is to be a mother. But in the meantime, I can work on becoming a better wife and preparing to be a mom. As with any trial, there is something I need to learn from all of this. (Patience is probably one of those things:) Since my second miscarriage, I have tried to put on a happy face. And most of the time, I am doing just fine. But there are triggers. One of those triggers is seeing other announce their new bundles of joy coming in the near future. It isn't a bitter feeling I have, I'm happy for others, but it is a constant reminder of what I lost, and what I don't have. It is, and always has been, one of my greatest desires to be a mother. Going through this has only deepened that desire. I realize there are so many other women going through much more difficult trials than this due to infertility and infant loss, so sometimes I feel guilty for feeling the way I do. Sometimes I even feel like I should be over and past all of this. And then I remember it's not about comparing trials, we are given certain trials for different reasons, and the Lord knows all. He knows what we need to learn, and what we can handle. And He is there for us every step of the way to lead and guide us. I was reminded too that is OK that I still feel sad and a little down. I stop and think about the last 6 months, I have been pregnant 2 times, for a total of 20 weeks, and nothing to show for it except a few pounds. My body has been forced twice to get rid of the pregnancy hormones, and that has been emotionally difficult. I am mourning the loss of 2 babies that I never had, but felt attached to. All of it is hard to understand. I have wondered why multiple times, but then think that maybe I don't need to actually know why, and just trust in the Lord. So I am trying to do just that. I'm grateful He is patient with me.

On Saturday, I went to drop some stuff off at DI. I didn't have a lot of time, but I went in to look around for just a few minutes. Zach and I love looking at the books there, they often have nearly brand new books for just a few dollars. The first book I picked up is called No One Can Take Your Place, by Sheri Dew. I opened the front flap of the book to read the description. The first line reads "Have you ever wondered if you're doing what you're supposed to be doing with your life?" As cheesy as it sounds, I knew it was placed there just for me :) I haven't read it all yet, but I have read a few chapters, and it is just what I need. I am grateful for tender mercies.

These few experiences I have had this weekend have been another testimony to me that Heavenly Father loves me. He is aware of me, and gave me these moments that let me know He was thinking of me, and cares about me. It may seem small, but this really helped me. And I know our Heavenly Father loves ALL of his children, and is aware of each of us! I love this quote by President Monson.."That love never changes... It is there for you when you are sad or happy, discouraged or hopeful. God's love is there for you whether or not you feel you deserve it. It is simply always there."